Crispy Chaos
by PancakeSauce
Summary: a ridiculous argument, a crazy lady, and chicken nuggets. seriously. [eruri][nuggets] this ain't lemon, so don't expect it. original anime is credited to it's original creator, Isayama. Enjoy!


**Enjoy the chaos.**

* * *

It was like any other day. Erwin would be filing paperwork and appointing meetings with his team, while Levi would sit on his ass, sipping tea and cursing under his breath about how much of a nuisance Erwin was the night before during their sexual encounter.

 _"'Your eyebrows are thicker than your cock, but that's not my problem.'"_

Erwin heard those words come in like waves; it was almost as if it echoed inside his head, and he couldn't brush it off.

"It isn't my fault your butthole is so tiny, you little ... midget." Erwin murmured to himself while stacking his paperwork into one pile. He thought today would be a great day to relax, but it changed when Hanji burst through the door.

"If you're going to request another Titan capture, ask Levi." Erwin stated, now grumpy. He wasn't normally this grumpy, but he still held a grudge against Levi, especially after saying that his length was small.

"Oh, that's not till tomorrow! But I do have a request that you and your partner may be interested in!" Hanji exclaimed in excitement. At first, Erwin didn't notice, but Hanji's hands were covered in blood. Her face was covered with minor scratches, but they didn't seem too bad. She had the eyes of a wild man, and her smile made her look like a sociopath. A fucked up sociopath.

"Come outside when you're ready! You don't want to keep your partner waiting, now do you?" Hanji left the office, leaving Erwin confused as ever.

"Partner? Who the fuck is my partner?" He asked himself, irritated now.

 _For fuck's sake, don't tell me it's Levi. Anyone but Levi._

 **3.5 Minutes Later**

"Here you go, boys."

Much to his surprise, Erwin ended up pairing with Levi.

 _What a fucking joke._

Levi didn't bother making eye contact with Erwin, and Erwin didn't bother, either. The tension between the two was flagrant; even Hanji was afraid to approach them at this point. Nonetheless, she knew this would help the two get over their ridiculous feud.

"Here you go, Erwin." Hanji approached Erwin with a chicken, placing it in his hands.

Erwin, dumbfounded, stared at it. "What do you want me to do with it?"

"Well, I recently came up with a new food item, and I plan on adding them onto our dinner menu. I call these babies..." Hanji paused for a moment as she took out something from her pocket. She opened her hands and revealed small, fried mini cutlets. "...chicken nuggets!"

"Chicken nuggets ...?" Erwin felt his inner child spark as if it had reflected some sort of memory. "Oh, I remember." Still holding the chicken in one arm, he reached for a nugget with the other, and he placed it near his lips. The crisp, golden skin pecked his lips as he widened his mouth to take a bite; for some reason, Levi felt the urge to look when Erwin did so, but he didn't. It would trigger memories from the night before, such as when Erwin took Levi's length into his mouth and...

 _Snap out of it, Levi!_

Erwin shoved the whole thing in his mouth, which caused Levi to hitch. Erwin noticed, but he said nothing of it.

"Well? Doesn't it taste fantastic?!" Hanji asked, excited.

"It does." Erwin said. "Here, Levi, try one." Erwin took another nugget from Hanji's palm and handed it to Levi. Levi's eyes looked to the left, but he didn't budge.  
He kept his arms crossed and legs closed. "I have no interest in tasting foods with fat in them. I don't want to end up fat like you, four - eyes."

"Woah, woah, woah! We can insult each other later, Levi! Now, come on over here. I'd like to show you how they're made." She skipped happily to another area, and Erwin and Levi followed behind, but they kept five feet away from one another.

Levi had no intention of apologizing to Erwin over their feud. The raven worked so hard throughout the days, following the Commander's orders like a fucking bitch and fulfilling his duties. All he asked for in return was for his lover to pleasure him, help him relax, and relieve his stress. But Erwin was no longer a young man and his dick just wasn't satisfying him lately. He was sure he'd climax better from a dildo.

"Tch." Levi sounded irritated.

He thought about his bitterness as he walked, before realizing he was side-by-side with Erwin. Hell, if Levi didn't want Erwin inside him, he damned well did not want the blonde man beside him either. The corporal walked faster to move further away from Erwin and closer to the outrageous scientist. He had no clue what the hell these nuggets were and he really was not interested in learning how they were made. Yet here he was, walking with Hanji to the barn.

Erwin watched the barn, an eyebrow raised as loud squawks and clucks intensified as they approached. Hanji grinned wildly before she grabbed the wooden doors.

"Gentlemen. I present to you..." She started, before slamming the doors open and shedding light upon the chaos inside. "CHICKENS."

Erwin stared in shock as hundreds of chickens flapped their wings in terror upon the loud slam of the doors. They were squished against each other in large metal cages, clucking their anxiety. Much how Levi relieved his stress in the bedroom: invading his space and just bitching about stuff. Erwin was quite speechless.

"Uh, Hanji..."

"Yessss?"

"This...This is not acceptable..."

"Aw, come on! Wasn't that nugget delicious?! This must be done!"

"W-Well, certainly. The meat was appetizing, but these poor animals are being kept in such awful condit-"

"Forget their fucking condition!" Levi interrupted. "They must be shitting all over the fucking place! This is disgusting!" Levi was really put off by imagining the amount of waste and filth that must have accumulated by so many animals in one area. He shook his head.

"Just nasty."

Erwin stared at Hanji. "You have one chance to convince me to allow you to continue this." He informed, to which Hanji grinned.

"Yes!" Hanji lead Erwin and Levi to a machine that she had created, much to their shock. Levi stared at the machine, as it pumped and separated pink slime into little piles. Another metal limb of the device squished it into the shape of what Erwin had consumed. Then, these little piles of pink slime entered an inferno of flames and oil, that bubbled vigorously. They entered through one end and exited through the other, as the crispy, golden nuggets that did seem appetizing to Levi. But learning how they were made just killed his hunger, like Erwin's blowjob skills killed his boner last night...

Hanji smiled, chuckling as she picked one up. She offered it to Levi. "Seriously. They're delicious." She hummed.

Levi snarled. "How many times do I have to tell you, you dense psycho, I'm not-"

The raven was interrupted by the sound of his own belly growling for nourishment. His cheeks immediately dusted red as Erwin chuckled under his breath. Levi glared at him.

"Tch. I wouldn't be laughing if I were you. That sound was ten times louder than you could make me moan-"

Hanji laughed heartily as she took Levi's hand and placed the hot nugget in his palm.

"Eat it, come on!" She urged, and even Erwin seemed to be salivating at the sight of the freshly cooked chicken.

"Fine! But if I catch a disease, I'm spitting in your coffee." He hissed, before hesitantly bringing the meat to his lips and parting them. His teeth sunk into the nugget and tore off a small piece. The raven chewed it thoroughly, his features contorted with deep consideration and concentration. Finally, a deep swallowing sound was heard.

 _Silence._

 _Heaven._

Levi didn't move. He didn't speak. Just silence.

Erwin stared at him and Hanji grinned. She knew exactly what she had done.

The blond touched Levi's shoulder gently.

"Hey...Hey, Levi, are you-"

Levi immediately slapped Erwin's hand away and grabbed about another 4 nuggets from the moving conveyor belt before stuffing them in his mouth.

 _How could anything taste so damn good?_

He chewed - nearly choked - them down as Erwin stared at him in disappointment.

 _So Levi can stuff his mouth with a bunch of nuggets, but can't deep throat my dick...?_

There were small crumbs on the raven's mouth as he grabbed Hanji's shoulders.

"How the fuck did you make these?!" He almost cried. "They're...They're actually fucking delicious!"

Hanji smiled and shrugged.

"Don't play dumb, Hanji." Erwin sighed and Hanji laughed.

"Oh, it was a test I decided to do while I was bored. No big deal." She explained before leaning forward to Levi and Erwin. "Why? Do you guys want more?" The scientist breathed, with her chocolate colored eyes gleaming through her thick rimmed glasses.

Erwin smiled politely at her. "No, I believe we're okay. But this operation needs to be stopped. Immediately. It is unsafe, and is imposing cruelty upon these-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, WOULD YOU, SPERM-FOR-BROWS?" Levi interrupted harshly.

He pulled out his blades from his maneuver gear, eyes glinting at the trapped, squawking chickens in the cages. Levi was madly in love with chicken nuggets to say the least.

"Prepare for annihilation, chickens." He muttered, before charging at the animals.

"Prepare for WHAT-?!" Erwin cried, running after the shorter male as Hanji doubled over in laughter.

Levi already had his blade in the air, ready to plunge into the soft flesh of the animals. Erwin grabbed him from behind, trying to subdue him. The blonde could have sworn he saw little chicken tears in the chickens' eyes.

"L-Levi! Compose yourself!" He yelled.

Levi hissed, thrashed, and growled as he tried to get away from Erwin; he just wanted to get close to those, sweet, sweet, helpless chickens. Levi did not want to see soft pinkness with feathers; he wanted crispy goldenness with bread crumbs.

"Let me go, you massive fuck!" He cursed, to which Erwin made a madly timed response.

"Massive fuck? I thought I was a small fuck? Since I don't seem to satisfy you anymore." He retorted, to which Levi twisted himself around to slap the back of Erwin's head.  
"Ow! Levi-"

"No, you're still a massive fuck. A fuckface, a fucktard, a fuck up-"

"Oh, really?! Says the 5'3, thirty - eight year old! If anything, **YOU'RE** the fuck up!"

"I may be 5'3, but at least I have sexual stamina, unlike you!"

"So you're being a douchebag just because I failed to make you feel good **ONCE**? Maybe I was tired, ever think of that?!"

"Well, I'm tired of your shit! I have to choke down your huge dick and suck you off, and **YOU** can't even put in some effort in thrusting your hips?!"

"So you admit I'm huge?!"

"N-No, but-"

"THE CHICKENS GOT OUT!"

Right this instant, Hanji screamed in fear and interrupted the heated argument. Some of the chickens had flapped out of their cage when the brunette had tried to feed them. Levi, although he was angry at Erwin, guided the man behind him to shield him from the vicious chickens that seeked revenge for the deaths of their fallen, cooked, and crispy brethren. It looked too familiar, this giant pack of creatures running at them and threatening to unleash havoc. Levi, Erwin, and Hanji received a grim reminder...titans. Hanji squealed happily at the thought of titans and the other two were distraught.

"Get back, Erwin!" Levi ordered, one arm shielding Erwin while the other was aiming his blade at the pack of wild chickens.

"Back? You want me to fuck you again-"

"Now is **NOT** the time!" Levi yelled, charging at a chicken and plunging his blade onto its neck, slicing the head clean off. Blood spurted everywhere and Levi was sprinkled with the crimson fluid.

"EwEwEwEwEw, fucking filthy!" Levi growled. The raven ran through the barn, which had feathers littered all over the floor and now, to join these white feathers, blood, to dye them red. He killed many chickens, snarling. Erwin sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.

 _Why did this crazy shit have to happen to me?_

He pulled out his own blades, his blue eyes gleaming with determination. "I will not be made a fragile gazelle!" He declared with pride, as Hanji freaked out and chased chickens in the background.

"A fragile gazelle? You mean, like your testosterone?" Levi retorted, as he removed his blade from a dead chicken giving its dying squawk.

"No, like your ego." Erwin hissed as he charged into battle. He accidentally stepped onto a chicken, killing it instantly.

"O-Oh, dear.."

Erwin glanced at Levi who was fighting two chickens that had cornered Hanji. She shrieked with delight; she had become the prey and the chickens were her vicious predators.

"Four Eyes! Run!" Levi ordered, but Hanji pouted as Levi killed her chickens. Little did Levi know that an angry chicken was heading toward his direction, squawking its battle cry, flapping its wings in a half-run, and half - flying like some injured bird.

"Levi!" Erwin cried. He ran to the raven, but he tripped on a cage, yet he recovered quickly. "O-Oh, shit, my bad...LEVI!" He resumed his charge at the chicken trying to hurt Levi. Erwin plunged his blade into the chicken, killing it; it hung on his blade like a shish kabob, blood seeping down the sharp metal. Blood now adorned Erwin's uniform as Levi gazed up at him with sincerity in his eyes.

"Oi...thanks, babe..." He said.

Erwin looked away, with a small huff. "Yeah, don't mention it.."

After what seemed like hours, Erwin and Levi had finally killed all the chickens that had gone wild. They panted for breath, uniforms stained with blood and feathers all over the place.

"Well shit..." Levi said, putting his blade away.

"This is going to be troublesome to clean." Erwin replied. It was silent for a few minutes, but Levi spoke up.

"Oi."

Erwin turned his head to look at Levi, a bit nervous. "Yeah?"

Levi was stubborn and arrogant, but he knew he had to grow the balls and just apologize. "I'm sorry, Erwin."

Erwin bit his lip, looking down in guilt. "No, I'm sorry, Levi.."

It didn't matter; Erwin always won Levi over with that typical sad look on his face. Levi scoot near Erwin and wrapped his arm around his shoulder, gripping gently. The couple then found themselves hugging one another, in the middle of a barn, with mauled chicken corpses everywhere.

"What a romantic reunion." Levi muttered. The nugget machine whirred quietly in the background, before Hanji emerged, mouth full of chicken nuggets.

"Mmph...mm...mph...mmmmmmpphhh!"

Levi glared at her and Erwin's face contorted in discomfort. "Oi, don't talk with your mouth full, you retard." He growled, to which Hanji gulped her food down.

"I said, WHO WANTS MORE CHICKEN NUGGETS?!" She cried. "We have all the chicken now!"

Levi and Erwin stared at one another. Erwin smiled softly. "She's not wrong. They were pretty delicious."

Levi bit his lip. "Yeah...really fucking delicious...like your dick." He said, with the ever so smallest hint of a smile.

Erwin's eyes watered with emotion. "You **DO** love my dick...I'm so happy." He sniffed.

Hanji grinned. "Then what are we waiting for?! Let's eat!"

With that, the trio took all the meat they had slaughtered in the midst of the chicken chaos and cleaned it. They put the chicken into the machine, and were rewarded with hundreds upon hundreds of chicken nuggets.

They were in love with the orgasmic taste of chicken nuggets. Thanks to Hanji's idea, Levi and Erwin made up, having their usual passionate sex while scarfing down on nuggets.

All was back to normal and a new invention that forever changed the world had been made:

 _ **Chicken Nuggets**_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading this weird fanfic.**

 **Hope you enjoyed! :)**

 **R &R PLS. THANK YOU. **

**\- PancakeSauce**


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